Mixed Emotions

I was cleaning out my closet the other day and decided to sale my school books. About a year ago I decided to stop studying for my nursing degree. I had such a huge conviction in my heart about leaving my kiddos for a couple of hours a day, in the evening, to go to school. I also needed studying time which made me resort to letting the kids watch ungodly amounts of TV. I know it sounds bad but I was on a mission to finish. I was so busy and I was homeschooling my then first grader. After a month of going to school Tino and I decided it would be better for everyone to stay home where I was greatly needed. So I piled up all the kids in the car and we drove to my school and I took the kids in the counseling center and they watched me drop my classes. My oldest was 11, and she cried as I did it, she kept telling me she didn't understand why I would give up my dream. The other three were to young to even know what I was doing. I told her that God gave me my precious children that I had spent hours praying for and for two out of four of them I would spend countless hours visiting them in the hospital for the first 3-6 months of their lives. God had blessed our family with them and I felt as if God was telling me " I gave you these children, no one else, why are you leaving them for your own selfish gain? Do you not trust in me? After all I have given you?" Tough to hear but so true. Why would I leave these sweet little children who needed their mommy to tuck them in at night and read to them? To be there as they ate dinner and talk about our day to daddy. God had saved my children from death, why couldn't I trust him to be our provider in our finances? In my own selfish mind I had rationed going to school by thinking that I would make more money for our family, I, I, I! Never thinking once how I was effecting our family, what would they remember of their mommy, and for a time they can second. I know that one day my children will make great sacrifices for their family but I pray that they will know that it can be done, and that God will bless them through it. Just as He has provided for our every need, above and beyond what we ever thought. However, as I sold my books I was overcome by great sadness. I guess I was holding on to them thinking maybe later but now they are gone, along with my dream. But I have the most amazing healthy strong, lovable, sweet, smart, God loving children, not to mention a man who spoils me rotten, and a God who sacrificed His only son for me, what else do I really need? As I write this I am still filled with sadness but as my children are running around the house in their PJ's and singing "Oh where is my hairbrush", I am so thankful that they can have the freedom to be kids and lounge in their PJ's on a cold winter morning. What a great life God has given me!